When I opened Karrington's Place, I made up this theory that I only wanted to be recognized by my work, not what I looked like. So, for 3 years almost, I never posted any images of myself.
I swore by this theory. Refusing to be seen/hiding my face behind the screen. Even in my “about me” on my business page there wasn’t a single photo. The truth is, I didn't hide my face because I wanted to be recognized by my work, I hid my face because I wasn’t confident in who I was.
Back story: when I started KP, I was on my way out of a very traumatic relationship that diminished my self esteem and left me with some unhealthy ways of thinking.
Unable to see my worth, I thought “if I revealed myself on the internet, that means everyone would be able to see me and if everyone saw me, that means they would end up judging me and see all of the areas that are flawed. (Mentally abusive relationships will do this to you).
Over the years, I realized that this was creating a major set back in character development but I was frozen in this way of thinking and fearful to attack this battle on my own.
But, I knew it needed to be done.
So, with the Lord at my right hand, the shadow work began. I dug deep within myself and asked Him to help me regain my confidence.
At a pop I attended a couple weeks ago, I noticed that I received more acknowledgement than usual. On my spirit, beauty, hard work and of course, my candles. During each encounter, I wanted to shrink and hide. In that same moment I thought "what if you just embraced this? How would it make you feel?" So, without resisting, I accepted the compliments that were given to me and it became easier to digest.
Allowing people to celebrate me has always been difficult. In the past, I would water down any compliment that was given to me and respond with something negative. For example, if someone would say I had on a nice shirt I would say “this old thing, I’ve had this forever.” thinking back, I cringe every time.
This is how the Lord works..
On my way home, I began to talk to the Lord. In the midst of my conversation I had a revelation. The praise and recognition that I had been receiving wasn't a coincidence. The Lord heard my prayers and began to move in my life. When you are honest about your struggles and do your part, He will meet you half way.
After, I transitioned into this prayer:
Thank you Lord for the gift of clarity. I admire how you continuously put me situations so I'm able to practice what I preach. I have hidden in the dark for many years, I've shrunk myself to fit into this box of average, and I am tired of playing it safe.
I have found my worth in You and receive that I am created in your image. Every intricate detail of my entire being has been divinely crafted by You. The gifts that you have bestowed upon me deserve to be shared with the word. You didn’t create me to live in the shadows or to endure eternal suffering. Thank you for forcing me out of my comfort zone and taking me to new levels.
Going forward, I will continue to show up confidently, embrace my gifts, and take up space. I've been revealing myself more on my instagram and the weight that has been lifted from my shoulders is liberating. It's an honor to be me and I will make it my mission celebrate my entire being.
Pastor Brian Bullock